Layered Wounds
I had a hard thing happen in my life (a wound let's call it) a few years ago. What it was doesn't matter. We have all been wounded and for this maybe if I don't share exactly what it was it will help you replace my situation with your own.
When the wound came, I had lots of feelings directed at God. I was angry, hurt, disappointed. I told Him. I told Him how angry, hurt, and disappointed I was. I cried about it. I got angry about it. But none of that changed the wound. The wound had already happened, there was no undoing it. I didn't like that God had let it happen. I even remember in one of my rants at Jesus thinking, "For all I have done for you. I have devoted my life to you, and you couldn't prevent this?" I am ashamed of that rant. I hate admitting that I was that prideful, but it is the truth and I need this to be as honest as I can be.
I knew I had work to do between me and my maker, so I scheduled a retreat. I went away to a quiet beautiful place by myself, and I cried, prayed, read scripture, journaled, and started the healing process. I remember coming home from the retreat and hoping the pain was over. Some wounds are easy to heal like a scrape when you fall, other wounds go deep like a burn, and it takes time and layers of healing before the final healing takes place and even then you are left with deforming scars that serve as reminders of the journey you have been on. I wanted a scrape wound but what I had was a layered burn.
I talked with my therapist about it. Yep, I have a therapist. Love her! Highly recommend em! My therapist was wonderful about pushing me and letting up kind of like when someone has a bleeder and you put pressure on it and then you let up and peek under the bandage to see if it starts bleeding again.
I was in the phase of healing that it was not actively hurting all the time like it did when the injury first happened but if it was bumped the pain would reemerge which meant it wasn't fully healed yet.
The church I attend had a message entitled "Open Wounds" in that message our pastor asked the question, "What is hurting inside you? Is it unresolved pain? You must seek healing in the place of your pain." I took that message home and considered it.
I lead a Small Group and our topic last semester was Boundaries. There is a great quote from Townsend & Cloud the authors of the book Boundaries that states: "God wants us to respect his no just as we want others to respect our no."
Why wasn't the wound I had healed yet? What was at the root of the hurt? The bottom line was I didn't respect God's no. God didn't answer a prayer the way I wanted him to answer it and I was butt hurt about it. Still. I was a little weary of trusting God fully because he hurt me by not giving me what I wanted. Now that may sound childish, and it is I reckon but what I wanted was something I believed God wanted too. Why he didn't step in and prevent the wound I do not know, and I may never know and I HAVE to choose to be okay with that. I MUST choose to respect God's no. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to agree with it, but I do have to respect it because He is trustworthy. I know He is trustworthy because that is who he is. He can't be anything else. And my relationship with Jesus is my most important relationship in my life and I don't want barriers between him and I. I know Jesus has my back. He is on my team. He is my couch, friend, father, caretaker, and my very breath. I believe he hurts with us when we are wounded. I believe he hated what happened just as much as I hated what happened. I also believe that with Jesus our suffering is never wasted.
What's your layered wound? Are you ready to trust God that He is in fact trustworthy?
